The book "Beads", set for release on Nov. 26, is author Rachael Brooks’ memoir detailing her journey from rape victim to resilient survivor.
Brooks, whose first childhood home was in Pittsboro, lives in Raleigh with her husband and two children. She earned undergraduate and master’s degrees from UNC-Chapel Hill and has worked as a tax accountant. Today, though, she’s a stay-at-home mom who has had an active role in the Survivor Speaker’s Bureau at a local non-profit organization known as InterAct since 2013. After the growth of the #MeToo movement in 2017, Brooks set out on her own personal mission to make her story known and join the thousands of courageous women and men who have also come forward to share their stories of survival and hope. "Beads" speaks to the challenges that sexual assault victims face and the range of emotions they experience throughout the recovery process. Brooks’ story takes place immediately following her graduation from UNC-Chapel Hill and describes the many injustices she experienced within the justice system, which are still very pertinent today. It is being published by Koehler Books.
Brooks will be reading from her book at 2 p.m. on Jan. 18, at McIntyre’s Books in Fearrington Village. Her goal with "Beads" is to connect with fellow survivors in the area and provide support for those who need it.
Your book "Beads" addresses your experience as both a victim and survivor of sexual assault. Obviously, it was a very personal and harrowing experience. What motivated you to share your story in the detailed way you have?
When the #MeToo movement went viral in 2017, it affected me in a heavy way. I was simply baffled by the number of women and men coming forward with their stories and speaking so publicly about it. This was something the world had never seen before. In my opinion, rape has always been a taboo topic; it creates a sense of discomfort, leaving people unsure how to react, therefore prompting victims to stay quiet.
I began thinking about my story and the ways it could make a difference in our everyday lives, aside from what the media was reporting. I wanted to share the raw feelings, the effects of PTSD, the horrifying way the justice system treated me, how I coped, and I how I brought myself to where I am today. There is so much more that happens after the attack itself, and I wanted to bring light to that. I talked myself out of the idea for several months, but when I actually sat down and began writing, I never looked back!
How did writing the book, and recounting your experience and struggle, affect you?
It has been a bit of a mental rollercoaster, to be honest! Although I will say, overall it has been a therapeutic experience for me. I was surprised at how, despite the difficult content, I never experienced writer’s block. I was able to recount most everything that happened like it was yesterday. At times, I would have to stop for the day because the memories were just too much. But at those times during the writing process, my words were still my own and stored safely away on my computer. No one could see them yet.
However, when "Beads" became available for pre-order, as excited as I was, my anxiety skyrocketed. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, and I take medication to help me manage it. This was certainly a triggering event, and thankfully I realized that, resulting in a slight medication adjustment. The world is going to know my truth, and that is a scary and invigorating reality. But it has not deterred me for a second from sharing my truth. Knowing how many potential victims and survivors of trauma it will reach makes it all worth it.
In this #MeToo age, we’re learning more and more about survivors and their stories, and how harsh the aftermath can be — not just recovery, which can take a lifetime, but also victims’ pursuit of justice. What hope do you think your story can offer to those who have had similar experiences?
The aftermath is where the unknown lies. I didn’t know how to act, what to say, where to go from that day. What I did know was that I wanted to report my rape, and I wanted justice. Both of which turned out to be some of the most difficult processes of my life. At the time, reporting was a no-brainer for me. But the further along I got, the more I realized the many reasons why victims do not report. The detectives on my case were nothing short of awful. I was interrogated and assumed to be lying from the moment I walked into the precinct. I fought, and I fought hard to make my voice and my truths heard. I can’t say that it all worked out in my favor, because it absolutely did not.
My hope for those who have had similar experiences is that my book will allow them to know they are not alone. Whatever decisions victims make in their aftermath, I support. And most importantly, whatever someone’s story is, I believe them.
We’re also learning that sexual assault on college campuses is much more widespread than most of us probably realized, and that one in five women experience assault. Why is it so prevalent, and what must be done to change those high numbers?
The prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses saddens me to no end. These days, it is something that is in the news every single day. In my opinion, there are many contributing factors surrounding this issue. One, there is a stigma around drinking and the Greek life that unfortunately promotes a rape culture that normalizes and excuses sexual violence. Victims may not be able to recall what happened to them at a party, making them “the classic drunk girl” and allowing the attacker to move on scotch free. Alcohol is never the cause of a rape. The rapist is the cause of a rape. To quote Chanel Miller, author of "Know My Name," “rape is not a punishment for getting drunk.” As someone who was also drinking the night of my attack, it took me years to come to this realization.
Another contributing factor revolves around the processes, or lack thereof, in place for sexual assault victims on college campuses. Whether the university is trying to protect someone or its reputation, more often than not, sexual assaults are brushed under the rug. This directly affects future victims from reporting, hence furthering the vicious cycle.
What must be done? So much. But I think it must start with the top. University officials must adjust their practices to better assist and support victims, starting with believing them in the first place. Without that initial element, I don’t believe anything can truly change.
What’s been your experience as you’ve spoken to and counseled other victims on campus and through InterAct?
InterAct has been pivotal in my recovery journey. Each time I have shared my story over the past seven years, another small part of me has healed. It brings me great joy to connect with others in our community, not only survivors but also those who are allies and supporters. Along the lines of my hopes for my book, when I speak about my story, I want to show others that you can still live a fulfilling and happy life, despite the trauma. My rape is certainly a part of me, but it does not define me. And speaking allows me to show proof of that. The work InterAct does for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault is incredible, and I am so honored to be a part of it.
What advice would you give to someone who’s been a victim, and doesn’t know what to do or where to turn?
First, I want all victims to know they are not alone. While we may not all know each other, we are all strong and fighting together. Second, I would advise seeking medical help to ensure there is nothing physically life-threatening. This does not necessarily mean you have to report. It is important to support victims who do not report for whatever their reasons may be; their attacker has made threats or is a family member or a friend/acquaintance/classmate or they simply do not want to. The most important thing is that a victim is safe. Third, always know there is someone you can talk to, anonymously or not. There are amazing resources, such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) on a national level and local non-profits that assist victims of sexual assault. These organizations have hotlines running 24/7 for victims to call and talk about anything they need to. And lastly, while a victim may not believe it now, you will get through this. You will make it the other side of the trauma to a place of peace of happiness. There is no timeline and there are no rules. You will go at your own pace, but you will make it.
You’ve called your book “Beads.” To what does the title refer?
I originally started off the book with a completely different title. I began writing Chapter 8, which is titled “Beads.” After my attack, my mom took me to the N.C. mountains to get away and begin my healing process. En route, she told me we could stop and get anything I wanted. Anything at all. Being an avid crafter, we landed on the store, Michaels. Four hundred dollars later, we left with every jewelry making item you could possibly think of: beads, necklaces, earring hooks, a jewelry-making book, a jewelry tray. Apparently, the beads really spoke to me that day. This chapter resonated with me so much, because it really symbolized a small mental shift in the right direction. I was excited and comforted by these beads.
As I progressed further along in writing the book, I developed a metaphor I found quite fitting for my story and many others in life. Imagine you’re wearing a beaded necklace and in an instant, someone forcibly pulls it from your neck. The beads scatter everywhere. Some you pick up right away, nervously trying to put the necklace back together. Some are lost forever and some you just stop looking for but find many years later. My rapist ripped my “necklace” off, but throughout my journey, I put it back together. And that is how “Beads” was born.
"Beads" is a very honest, forthright, vivid, somewhat graphic and candid account of your experience. It is also concise, with short chapters. What made you choose this form of storytelling?
I loved journaling as a kid and young adult. It was a fun outlet for me to get my thoughts down on paper. I never used fancy words or complex sentences. It was more a stream of consciousness. The day I sat down and began writing "Beads", it was like my soul just poured into the keyboard. My editor told me I had a very unique writing style, to which I responded, “I have a writing style?” Being completely new to the writing world, I realized that my style is conversational and journalistic to a degree. I wrote "Beads" as if I were actually telling the story out loud. I’ve had a few advanced copy readers tell me that they can hear my voice as they read the book, and I truly love that! I chose to write in this way in order to directly relate to readers and allow them to feel like we are having a conversation at a coffee shop. While the content is tough, the read of the book is relatively quick. Readers will be able to feel my feelings, hear my thoughts, and really experience what I went through both mentally and physically.
You end the book with brief chapters on a series of “life lessons,” including one on forgiveness. Why was that important to you?
Forgiveness has been one of the most difficult aspects of my journey, but one of the most important by far. Not just forgiveness of my rapist and the justice system, but of myself. After the rape, I felt so guilty. How did I get myself into this situation? Why did I let him do that to me? Why didn’t I get out of the car and run? The guilt and the shame ate me alive. But over time, I became gentler with myself. I realized I didn’t get myself into the situation at all. My rapist got me into it. I didn’t let him rape me. He forced himself on me with a weapon. I didn’t get out of the car because he could have killed me.
In forgiving myself, I was able to start moving forward. And while it is a process, not a one-time event, every little step counted. I can’t say I will ever fully forgive my rapist or the justice system. This drives me to continue making a difference and working to end sexual violence. But I can say that I have forgiven myself. And that’s what mattered to me most.
- - -
Life is a funny thing. One day, it’s there. You are living. And the next, it is gone. I was brushing my teeth that morning, as usual, and then I was lying half-naked in the front seat of a stranger’s SUV with a knife to my neck. Not exactly how I thought that day would turn out.
- from "Beads"
Love yourself. Be yourself. Stay true to yourself. Of all the things I know now, this is probably the most important one. After the rape I felt worthless, stupid, and endlessly guilty. How could I have let that happen? I was extremely hard on myself and beat myself up for a very long time. Once I finally came to terms with the fact that the rape wasn’t my fault, and I stopped blaming myself, I was able to start loving myself again.
- from "Beads"