I’ll bet, Gentle Reader, that occasionally (probably after reading something I’ve written that is particularly entitled, ill-informed, or dog forbid, deeply unfunny) you might have pondered to yourself:
“Self! Who is tragically unphotogenic creature who plops herself smack dab in the middle of our beloved, profoundly beloved, worthy of Pulitzers all ‘round beloved newspaper and makes out like she’s some big fancy all things food expert?
“Did she go to culinary school?
“Has she cheffed in a restaurant?
“Has she written a cookbook?
“Has she ever cooked on PBS?
“Does she know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody?”
No.
No.
No.
No.
Why, actually I do! How kind of you to ask about it!
Look, Gentle Reader, if you’re looking for a bona fide, professional, highly regarded food expert, I’m a big fan of Julia Child, but that ain’t me.
I’m somebody who loves food, bold enough to bug anybody who knows something about food, cooking, or recipes, and lucky enough to have spent a lot of time around a lot of people who were both amazing at what they do and kind enough to teach me and answer every question at the drop of a hat.
But I was, unlike The Kid, no culinary prodigy.
I always get uncharacteristically quiet when people start talking about the first thing they ever cooked.
Forced to spill, and spill truthfully, the answer would be a casserole made with ground beef cooked to a uniform taupe, a can of peas, juice and all, and a couple of peeled potatoes.
Oh, and no salt and/or pepper.
I was so proud of it and it must have tasted like a dry, yet curiously mushy place where dreams go to die.
The desperation casserole that as a young bride I made out of the last few cans (labeled and not) in the very back of the cabinet that had to have been some kind of chemical warfare crime against the Geneva Convention.
The time I made fudge and instead of a candy thermometer I had the brilliant idea of using an infra-red thermometer which measures the surface temp. I cooked it for 2 ½ hours before giving up.
I had to throw away the pot.
The time I made a seafood casserole and didn’t know you had to pick through the crab meat for pieces of shell before using.
Maybe casseroles and I need to reevaluate our relationship.
The recipes and photo are what happened when I undercooked a baked potato (accidentally turned off the oven) and underestimated the time it would take to make a cream sauce; something that doesn’t do, “sit around and wait” very well.
So, I cut it into chunks and finished cooking the spud in the sauce.
It was tasty and soul satisfying.
The potato thing happened last week.
I’m still capable of being a hot and bloody mess in the kitchen.
So no, Gentle Reader I am nobody’s food role model.
More like a horrible, horrible object lesson or cautionary tale.
Thanks for your time.
Contact me at dm@bullcity.mom.
A Proper Baked Potato
Large russet spuds
Some type of fat, butter, olive oil …
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Wash potatoes and dry them. Spread a layer of fat all over the potato, then spread a tablespoon of kosher salt and a couple of generous pinches of pepper all over as well.
Place into a shallow pan. Bake for 45 minutes, flip 180 degrees, and bake for 45 more.
Serve immediately.
Duck, Duck, Fat Mushroom Ragout
2 yellow onions sliced in half then slice into ¼ inch half moons
2 tablespoons duck fat
1-pound wild mushrooms, cleaned and sliced thinly
1 teaspoon dry thyme
Salt and pepper
1/2 cup Marsala wine
1/2 cup heavy cream
Heat the duck fat on medium, then add sliced onions. Cover and cook on medium for 5-7 minutes.
Remove lid, and cook on medium-low until the liquid cooks away and the onions begin to color. Add mushrooms cover, raise heat to medium and cook for 5-7 minutes.
Uncover, turn to medium-low, cook until the ‘shrooms start to color.
Add Marsala and cook on medium until the wine has reduced to an almost syrup consistency.
Take off heat, stir in cream and return to burner on low,
Cook until sauce is thick and glossy. Season, taste, and reseason, if needed.
Serve immediately.