Last month, after donating blood for the first time, my significant other found me slumped over in a chair. He asked what was wrong, and I replied, “I’m fine,” right before passing out into a puddle. During the (many) minutes the blood drive staff spent reviving me, I apparently uttered an unconscious jumble of “I’m sorry” and “I’m OK.” Even though I was clearly not OK.
Before you cautiously skim for gory details, this column isn’t about donating blood. It’s about that reflex to apologize, and the phrases engrained in young women as soon as they start their careers. It’s about why my automatic reactions run contrary to how modern feminism wants me to act.
Because many of us are coming back to an office, let’s talk about gender norms in a work environment. The business website Fast Company reported that women who do not act modestly, passively, and warmly are given lower status in the workplace. This is because other staff perceive them as bossy or arrogant.
During my college internships, I can’t count how many times I apologized to employees for mistakes that weren’t my fault. I just wanted them to accept me, to see me as a hard-working professional. Even at my current job, a healthy environment with many confident female staff (hi guys!), I sometimes sprinkle my emails with “maybe we should” and “hopefully I can” in attempts to seem less intimidating. And of course, using just the right amount of exclamation points.
OK, now you’ve read this far and realized you once said something to a female coworker like “you should smile more” or “wow, you’re a manager?” Maybe you’ve made a subliminal snub by asking only female staff members to cover receptionist duties or act as your personal secretaries from time to time. Or walking in and assuming the young woman who greets you isn’t experienced enough to answer your basic question.
Let’s say you didn’t mean any harm and were just trying to be polite. I get it — I’ve been guilty of calling a fellow adult “sweetie” or “dear” at my wit’s end. But you are leading by example when you continue using these verbal slights. Female-identifying staff members shouldn’t have to weigh the costs and benefits of correcting you every time.
No matter your career fields or workplace experiences, you can and should hold one another accountable. Call out sexist words and phrases when you hear them. Back up your non-male coworkers if you see them being ignored in meetings. While some of these seem like small issues, they feed into much larger ones like the gender pay gap and un-diverse leadership.
Finally, I will end this column with an (essential) apology to the other blood donors on the bus that fateful day. That super polite, collapsing zombie must have terrified you, but rest assured that you are now prepared for the apocalypse. Until then, let’s get our workplace gender biases in order.