From time to time I ponder certain things, great questions of the universe, if you will. They range from questions such as “Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?” to “Why do guarantees on products expire two days before you need them for the first time?”
I’ve sort of rationalized that I’ll never know the answers to questions such as those and that in the great grand scheme of things, they don’t matter anyway.
There are a couple of other levels of questions, however, to which I think I really would like an answer.
One has to do with television programming, specifically the news, weather and sports broadcasts and the advertising that goes with them. It seems to me that all the program managers on all the stations must get together ahead of time and decree that none of them will broadcast any of the aforementioned news, weather or sports until every other station is doing the same.
I have noticed on more than one occasion that when I am watching Channel 5 and they go to commercial and I think maybe I’ll switch over to Channel 11 and catch something, it doesn’t work because Channel 11 has also gone to commercial. Same thing for 17 and 8 and 2 and the satellite stations.
And if that weren’t bad enough — at least for my delicate system — the products tend to be a bit unusual for the supper hour. Not long ago I went from one station to another at commercial break and saw on the station I wound up on that a female passenger in the airport was being identified as “the colon lady.” I don’t know about you, but if I were a woman and someone called me that, we might have words.
To top it off, however, the lady being so named not only agreed with that assessment but also added that she was fluent in constipation, diarrhea and other equally appealing bodily concerns — all of which apparently can only be shown on television as you sit down to your spaghetti supper.
Maybe it’s just me but things that you once sort of kept to yourself or talked about only to your doctor or spouse or maybe one close trusted friend now are general conversation. I don’t think I’m a prude but if I see that couple sitting in the bathtubs out in the middle of a cow pasture one more time I’m gonna pull their plugs.
Another — and to me, larger question and area of concern — has to do with what my mama just called good manners ... and that can cover a lot of ground, including don’t tell your seatmate about your digestive issues.
But there are other questions about good manners that seem to come up about every time we have snow or other winter weather in this part of the woods.
Invariably someone who has just recently moved to our fair part of the universe will announce loudly in the midst of the Pig or other grocery or some other public place that, “You people in the South are stupid and don’t know how to drive in bad weather and this little bit of snow is nothing.” Then they will go on to explain how they “did it in Buffalo.”
It’s at that point that I want to say two things. One is, “You’re right. We don’t know how to drive in bad weather like a Chicago taxi driver. That’s one reason — a big reason — we live here. We don’t like bad weather; we don’t want it, we like it nice and warm. And apparently you don’t like it too much either or you would still be in Duluth.”
Then the second thing I want to say is what my literary hero Lewis Grizzard said about impolite folks who moved here because they saw something they liked — and then want to change it to how it is where they used to live. When Lewis was confronted by such behavior, he was fond of saying, “If you don’t like it, leave. Delta is ready when you are.”
My mama was big on making her three boys have good manners and playing “pretty.” When I hear those kinds of things in the stores I remember her.
There are times I wish she hadn’t done such a good job with her directive.
Bob Wachs is a native of Chatham County and retired long-time managing editor of the Chatham News/Chatham Record, having written a weekly column for more than 30 years. During most of his time with the newspapers, he was also a bi-vocational pastor and today serves Bear Creek Baptist Church for the second time as pastor.